So many messages have been coming our way about how strong Carson will be on the other side of this.  I do agree.  That which does not kill us, makes us stronger (Or some bullshit “dad” wisdom-that also happens to be true). 

I’ve reflected for many, many hours over the years on the value and purpose of pain.  Why it exists, how it asks us to grow and let go of old versions of ourselves so we might step into the truth of what we are being invited to become. 

So what is pain?  I have my own ideas, but this isn’t the time or place to share that.  My guess is, that’s for Carson to share after his reflection on this saga.  But what I can tell you is this; Carson is likely to be iron determination, resilience, spirit, compassion, love and all the other stuff, if in fact pain propels our growth, rather than breaks us. 

He’ll need (all) our support.  I saw the first hint of despair, that tiny crack in the armor this morning.  Circumstances were hard and really frustrating and painful and he began reflecting on 10 days ago surfing behind a boat with the biggest smile, the friends leaving for college knowing he was supposed to be on the road to begin his college adventure, in two days, and then the hospital bed, 8 surgeries, more drugs, trips to the bathroom that are marathon exhausting. 

This is its own kind of pain.  But he already has a strong foundation of resilience. We talked about allowing himself to feel all the moments, then talk it through, then get back to work.  Nothing that’s true for him that isn’t true for us all.

So pain

The last two days since his nerve surgery have been nothing short of F’ing brutal.  I could write a book about all the experiences of those two days (maybe I will), but short version.  Brutal nerve pain, medication drama, amazing nurses, terrible communication and execution from some doctors (you can guess how I might have handled that) and amazing compassion and execution by others-Notably today, Dr. Miah, Dr. Quan and Dr. Schreiber. 

Nerve pain has been off the charts, knee pain has been blinding and then it was discovered he has been bleeding internally for at least 3-5 days.  This internal bleeding led to abdominal pain that was so bad he stopped feeling his leg pain.  He lost so much blood they’ve given him 6 units in the last 24 hours.

So, after blood pressure crashing, heart rate skyrocketing and temperature rising starting at about midnight last night, on top of it, Carson couldn’t get any more pain meds because the narcotics might completely crash him.  So, he went 6 hours with no pain meds last night.  Doesn’t sound like that long, but every second was an eternity.

He was transferred to Critical Care where they performed a procedure to stop the bleeding, install a nerve block for the femur and knee pain and tonight will assess putting in a dilaudid drip for his sciatic and hamstring pain. 

And as fate does its thing

One of Carson’s best friends, Bodee was going to come by the hospital yesterday, as he has every single day.  But Carson was in so much pain, he couldn’t handle anyone.  Bodee was hurting.  He and his family love Red Rocks church and Bodee’s mom and sister convinced Bodee to go last night, begrudgingly. 

In Bodee’s words-the whole service was meant for and was about Carson. Not that Carson was mentioned by name, but that it was about fate, and a plan for our life that transcends the ego’s pursuit of the inane and material. 

And then, they offered early access to a book authored by one of the pastors of Red Rocks church.  A book titled “What does God have planned for me next?” by Doug Wekenman.  Barrie and I both read the first two sentences and the tears started to roll.  Attached are a couple screen shots. 

OK-Should have a few days off.  If things go according to plan (HA!), he’ll move back to the major trauma unit in a day or two, have a major skin graft surgery this coming Friday, recover for a couple days, then head to an acute rehab unit, where they’ll begin to teach him getting independent over the next few months.