A little reflection-We had just docked the boat, and the rangers were running to us.  Carson’s head was in my hands, his lips were blue and face was pale.  I thought we might lose him right then. 

There was a lifetime in that moment.  So many things to share, but another time.

The rangers made it to us and got the tourniquet on him, the trauma paramedics showed up seconds later and got out the flex stretcher to move him off the boat.  One of the paramedics said, “Carson, we have to move you, and this is going to hurt”.  Carson’s response, with a look of sheer determination in his eyes, “Do whatever the “F” you have to do.” 

Today, shooting, extreme nerve pain and the nurse saying Carson we need to do something and it’s going to be uncomfortable. For the first time in 32 days, I saw that look back in Carson’s eyes.  “Do whatever you have to do, just hand me the bag of sour patch kids.” 

For those of you who don’t know what a sour patch kid is, look it up.  I hope you chuckle.  They are terrible.  Like vinegar chips terrible.  And irresistible.

The determination in Carson’s eyes wasn’t there today because the pain had gone away.  That’s not how we find grit, resilience and determination.  The determination is because he remembered he could choose, in the midst of the hurt. 

Strength in life is built by enduring hard things.  We grow when we are stretched, as long as we don’t break. 

I thought I watched Carson break a few times over the last month.  It was absolutely heartbreaking for all of us, to watch his heart broken. College first day that wasn’t, friends leaving, deep pain, 11 surgeries, demoralizing experiences at 2am and tears wondering if this is his life now and what will he be on the other side. 

So maybe, we did see him break.  And maybe that makes what I’m sharing that much more powerful.    

Maybe we find a way, when we decide it really matters, no matter how broken we have been, that it’s time to put ourselves back together.  

Barrie once read me a poem (that I’d butcher here, so I won’t try).  The moral was something like this; Children are like a pane of glass, and every parent leaves a mark.  Some are fingerprints, some are cracks, some are completely shattered.  But every child becomes an adult one day realizes that they too deserve the beautiful things life is meant to hold and face the choice to become what’s possible.   But it's always a choice.

I like to think our impact on Carson and Hannah was mostly fingerprints.  Lots of loving fingerprints.  But we are human too and no doubt our respective dumb moments lead to a couple cracks that needed to be mended (no doubt more Barrie than me 😉 ). 

But beyond family, our hearts get broken.  Bad shit happens.  And what we thought we were, and how we saw ourselves and the world, shifts.  We get disoriented and sometimes we break and crash and crumble.  For anyone who’s been alive longer than about 20 years, you know what I mean.  And most of you under 20, you know it too. 

What I’m witnessing in front of me right now is shattered glass being reassembled by the only person who has the power to choose.  Carson is transcending right in front of us. Moving from subjected, to will. 

If we let go of the story and just take the next step, things always start to change.  And every single one of us is not only capable, but we’ve been training for it our entire lives. 

And maybe sour patch kids help. 

There will be hard moments, hard patches for Carson ahead.  The darkness may creep back in because that's what darkness does.  To us all.  But once we’ve known we can remember the light, remember the will (ours and that which is beyond us), remember that the next moment is more important than the last, we keep going and we create what’s next with remarkable determination. 

It’s a gift to recognize that every moment is a choice of either obsessively perpetuating what was, with painful attachment, or resilient determination to allow and explore what’s next regardless of what has been or what is.